The Illusion of Control and a Brooklyn event
Submitting to the universe
Hi friends, If you’re local to NYC, I’ll be hosting a cozy launch event at my favorite local gift shop, Annie’s Blue Ribbon General Store, on Thursday, 3/6. There will be snacks and drinks and we’ll hang out and do some journaling and life auditing together as a group. Tickets include a copy of the journal. This is a small event so grab your tickets here while they are still available!
Photo by Dan Cristian Pădureț on Unsplash
The other day I was talking with my neighbors about a new unit for rent in our building. The owner of the unit asked existing residents if we wanted to review the lease or weigh in on the process in any way. It was a generous offer, but truthfully, it isn’t our place to decide who she rents her unit to — she’s the owner, and it’s ultimately her decision. Not only that, but it would do absolutely no good for us to weigh in on candidates — it might feel like we were exerting some kind of power or control on designing the perfect lease and finding the perfect candidate, but there was no guarantee it would actually affect the outcome of the search. Of course, we all want nice neighbors. Of course, we all have our preferences; some of us want the new neighbors to be dog-free, others cat-free, or child-free, party-free, etc, etc, etc. But the truth is, no matter how hard we might try, there’s no way to screen potential residents and get exactly what we want.
This, I thought, is all about the illusion of control.
The illusion of control is the tendency to believe that we have more control over outcomes than we actually do. Gamblers, for instance, often believe they can influence whether they’ll win or lose — they think less about random chance and more about their “ability” to influence the outcome by trying a lucky strategy or wearing a lucky shirt. Financial traders think they can outsmart the market. Even hitting an elevator button twice can make us feel like we’re actually doing something to make those doors close sooner, even though we are most certainly not. The same goes for those crosswalk buttons in cities like New York, since most of those buttons have long since been deactivated. But still, it sure feels good, doesn’t it?
All of us have a need to feel in control — it’s part of human nature. And better to believe we have some control than to believe that we exist totally at the whims of the universe and allow life to happen to us instead of exerting at least a degree of agency on our actions. (We’re not totally helpless either.)
But it’s good to give ourselves a gut check, too. When are we actually in control of the outcome, and when is it just wishful thinking? When might our need for control get in the way of setting realistic expectations? When might it set us up for disappointment?
I’m sure my neighbor has a great lease drawn up. I trust her to screen tenants and find the best match possible for her unit, and for the building. But I also know that we humans are irrational and emotional and can look great on paper and be a real pain IRL. Candidates with the perfect resume can turn out to be total duds. People who make a bad first impression can wind up be amazing friends. Parents who think their siblings will become best friends because they spaced their pregnancies precisely X years apart can wind up having children who hate each other, and vice versa.
When it comes to making certain decisions, do what you can to set up a good outcome, but try not to fall under the illusion of control and expect perfection.
Now when I’m expecting my chronic health issues to improve in a linear fashion because of how much research I’ve done, or trying to force a creative idea to emerge by virtue of sitting in front of the computer all day, or even trying to rush that elevator along, I try to let the urge to control the situation wash over me. I try to remember that just because I put in the effort, I am not guaranteed the intended outcome, or even the reward.
Where does the illusion of control sneak up in your own life? What are some things you’re working on letting go of? What areas of your life can you release your grip on control in?
🥳 Upcoming launch event
- If you’re local to NYC, I’ll be hosting a cozy launch event at my favorite local gift shop, Annie’s Blue Ribbon General Store, on Thursday, 3/6. There will be snacks and drinks and we’ll hang out and do some journaling and life auditing together as a group. Tickets include a copy of the journal. This is a small event so grab your tickets here while they are still available!
✨Giveaway update
- Thank you to everyone who commented and entered the giveaway for a copy of The Life Audit Journal. I loved hearing everyone’s hopes and dreams for the coming year — truly inspiring stuff! We’ve got folks in search of travel and adventure, ready to design a new phase of their lives (empty nesters, I see you!), career-switchers, and more. Some of us are working on establishing boundaries for the first time in our lives, or reconnecting with family and friends in a new way. Feel free to dip into the comments from last month’s post for more of what people are exploring this year. Giveaway winners have now been notified. Thanks to all who participated!
👩🏻🎓New LinkedIn Learning Course
- My second LinkedIn Learning course, “Tips for Effective Listening,” is now live, and if you want a refresher on the listening lessons from Listen Like You Mean It, this one’s for you. This is a “tips” course, which means it moves quickly and you’ll learn actionable listening tips from start to finish.
📚 What I’m reading
- State of Paradise, by Laura van den Berg. Part ghost story, part ode to the state of Florida, part family drama, part mystery, part pandemic novel — this is a funny, curious, cross-genre, atmospheric, enigmatic read. If that’s vague, it’s intentional — this is an unconventional book that rewards the reader with rabbit holes sink holes and portals that transport you from one world to the next with humor and humanity.
💌 Thanks as always for reading along and supporting my work. If you like what you see, hit the heart button, drop a comment, or share this with someone you think will love it, too. You can order my new book or journal or book me for a speaking event here. 💌
